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NASCAR Top Tens
Topic Started: May 2 2009, 05:16 AM (436 Views)
Swifty
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We built this city on rock and roll
I did these years ago (obviously when you start reading them ;) ) for a now defunct website. I just found them on my harddrive again. so here they are!


Top Ten Reasons NASCAR Wants To Build A Track Near New York City

10. Need to test the new 'common templates' on a Checker Marathon cab.

9. New Jersey already has the needed elements: lots of paved roads, organized crime, gambling....

8. Trying to save the top ten teams money by having the last race of the year in New York, so the awards banquet can directly follow.

7. Drivers complaining that 'two is too many' can breath a sigh of relief as Watkins Glen's date is awarded to the new facility.

6. Jimmy Spencer is afraid of the city traffic.

5. Attempting to add yet another language to New York's cab drivers.

4. They figure working with Donald Trump will help them get prime downtown real estate.

3. Figure it will make it easier for Kevin Harvick, Jimmy Spencer, Kurt Busch, and Tony Stewart to all be on Howard Stern.

2. City driving is just like racing restrictor plate tracks.

1. The cab drivers need practice.


Top Ten Proposed Movie Roles For NASCAR Personalities

10. Terry Labonte's role as an extra ended up on the cutting room floor

9. Jeff Gordon faces the daunting task of dubbing over Hideo Fukuyama's lines in yet another remake of 'Godzilla'

8. Dick Trickle turned down "xXx" before finding out that it wasn't a porno

7. Buddy Baker's quote, 'It's a Gremlin!' is perfect for the next 'Gremlins' movie

6. Shauna Robinson, now desperate for work, has agreed to help with the Britney Spears NASCAR movie

5. Kyle Petty is ready to play Peter Fonda's role in a remake of 'Easy Rider'

4. The Pontiac Firebird Pace Car dreams of being KITT in a Knight Rider movie

3. Hut Stricklin is perfect for the next 'Vacation' movie- he has the time for a cross country vacation, as much respect as Chevy Chase, and slapstick comedy is less painful than driving a Bill Davis second string car

2. Dale Earnhardt Jr. tried out for sequels to 'Boogie Nights' and 'Wild Things' and is awaiting call backs

1. As part of his anger management, Tony Stewart will have a large voice part in all further Care Bear Movie sequels


Top 10 Signs That NASCAR Ignored That Dale Earnhardt, Jr Had A Head Injury

10. He sees dead people...

9. NASCAR continues to ignore that he runs into Ken Schrader every week to fix that skipping CD problem

8. Even with the concussion, he still drives better than Jimmy Spencer, Robby Gordon, and Kevin Harvick

7. He hasn't punched a single photographer

6. They're scared people won't watch a race without an Earnhardt in it

5. Less swearing than normal

4. They figured the reason he kept repeating 'Daddy, daddy, come back to me daddy...' was that it was probably lyrics to one of those newfangled punk rock music bands he listens to

3. They thought he was kidding when he tried to get an AMC Gremlin through tech inspection

2. Family history of mental illness

1. He's driving like his dad


Top 10 Signs That Your Favorite Driver Has Given Up On His Season

10. His name is Hut Stricklin

9. He has been seen hanging out with Hut Stricklin

8. He asks Lake Speed for advice on how to quit in the middle of the season

7. She or he drives for BAM Racing

6. He has tossed out the Stacker 2 in favor of a well balanced diet of Hershey chocolate and Coors

5. He starts intentionally getting involved in any pile-up caused by Todd Bodine in the opening laps just so he doesn't have to race the full distance

4. He has his name changed to Hut Stricklin

3. He starts dressing like Bill Elliott in hopes Bill's fan club will inadvertantly vote him as Most Popular Driver so he at least wins something

2. It's only the spring race at Rockingham and he approaches Robert Yates about a ride for next season

1. He is president of Hut Stricklin's fan club


Top 10 Ways Sterling Marlin Will Spend The Rest of the Season

10. Drinking Coors

9. Drinking Budweiser when the Coors runs out

8. Learning a foreign language- English

7. Drinking Miller when the Budweiser runs out

6. Taking lessons from teammate Jimmy Spencer on how not to forget where he left his car keys

5. Playing NASCAR Thunder 2003 with Dale Earnhardt Jr.

4. Collecting NASCAR diecast on EBay

3. Writing "How Not To Win A NASCAR Winston Cup Title"

2. Helping UPS think up more ways to convince Dale to drive the truck

1. Trying to convince Daimler-Chrysler to rescind their offer to Penske in favor of getting the Bodines: No Penske = Sterling's team still the #1 Dodge team; Brett Bodine driving a Dodge = Hooters Girls at all Dodge gatherings, and a way for Dodge Division to get rid of excess 1988 Aries K-Cars; Todd "Demolition Derby Man" Bodine in a Dodge = a way for Dodge Division to get rid of that fleet of 1977 Royal Monaco station wagons; and Geoffry "I Remember Way Back When" Bodine driving for Daimler-Chrysler = a way for Chrysler to use up their remaining inventory of 1961 DeSotos


Top Ten Personalities We Don't Want To See As Converted NASCAR Fans

10. Bill Clinton- Does NASCAR really need another fan nicknamed 'Bubba'?

9. Sting- He might try to race that monster truck '53 Corvette and then wrestle with Mike 'Gimme Another Chili-dog' Helton

8. Sting- He might bring 'The Police'

7. Ralph Nader- His vision for emissions free, totally safe race cars would reduce the drivers to pulling each other in Radio Flyer wagons

6. The Muppets- For some reason NASCAR doesn't like them

5. Rusty Wallace- Oh shoot, too late

4. Britney Spears- See above

3. Ronald McDonald- There's enough clowns out there as is

2. The Village People- Its just too hard to keep your race car under control when your hands are off the wheel doing "YMCA"

1. Jack Daniels and Sam Adams- Budweiser, Miller, and Coors would all complain, plus there's that whole driver safety thing, but NA$CAR doesn't worry about frivelous stuff like that


Top 10 Ways To Know Something Important Happened On Track

10. Todd Bodine's car doesn't show up when they go 'Through the Field'

9. Jimmy Spencer's car and Kurt Busch's car were neck and neck the last time you saw them...and that was five laps ago

8. Commercial break

7. Dave Marcis, in a '79 Nova, is leading the race

6. Darrell Waltrip, riding atop an orange washing machine with 'Tide' logos, is second

5. Nothing important (lead changes, wrecks, debris caution, etc.) happened- every time you look up, the cars are in a big pack, with the red #8 Chevy out front...

4. Someone mentions Brett Bodine without making a joke about Hooters

3. Terry Labonte cracks the top ten

2. Ward Burton is saying something about the 22...that he has sitting on a gunrack at home

1. There's a race between the commercials?!?!?! I had no idea!


Top 10 Signs That You Are A NASCAR Addict

10. You look forward to those 'How bad have you got it?' commercials

9. You're in one of the 'How bad have you got it?' commercials

8. You don't mind sending your paychecks directly to NASCAR

7. You have the front fenders of your minivan or SUV plastered with NASCAR decals

6. You will protest to the day you die that no foreign car be allowed to race in NASCAR, but you will buy a Toyota if Dale Earnhardt Jr. drives one

5. The drug dealers leave you alone cause you've got a better 'fix'

4. You bought a Molly Hatchet CD because 'Flirtin' With Disaster' was on NASCAR 98

3. You attempt the Daytona 500 starting grid...in a black (and primer...and rust) '88 Caprice with a big '3' on the roof

2. You really would vote for Richard Petty if he ran for President (seriously...he can't do worse than our last few!)

1. You go to Hooters ONLY because its supporting Brett Bodine


Top 10 Halloween Costumes For NASCAR Personalities

10. Mark Martin- Shaq

9. Terry Labonte- The Invisible Man

8. Richard Petty- a King

7. Darrell Waltrip- one of the BeeGees, or possibly a giant disco mirror ball

6. Jimmy Spencer- King Kong

5. Mike Helton- Godzilla

4. #24 Monte Carlo- #3 Lumina

3. Dick Trickle- a cross between Mark Martin's driving suit and Brett Bodine's driving suit

2. Ward Burton- an alien

1. Darrell Waltrip (again)- the 'Boogity Man'


Top 10 Things Bartered For Bristol Night Race Tickets

10. Darrell Waltrip's chrome driving suit

9. The Batmobile

8. The moon

7. Tickets to all of the other races on the schedule

6. Microsoft

5. The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile

4. A black '88 Chevy Monte Carlo SS

3. Texas

2. Firstborn children

1. Autographed Barry Manilow records (Hey, I can try...)


Top 10 Reasons Tony Stewart's Car Handled So Badly At Rockingham

10. Tony wants to win the championship by the closest margin ever, but Mark and Jimmie have to catch up first

9. Someone switched his car with Johnny Benson's

8. It turns out the rumor that no one wants to win the championship is correct- well, the Bodines still want it, but that's not going to happen

7. Fatback is working for Joe Gibbs now...hmmmmn

6. Jack Roush promised him free Viagra for life if Tony will let Mark win the championship

5. Hey, if Rusty, Ward, and Junior can all swear on national TV, well by golly, Tony can too- assuming the crew gives him a car that gives him a reason to

4. The '#20 Home Depot Edsel' just has a nice ring to it

3. It was the new for 2003 Joe Gibbs Racing R&D Chevrolet- unfortunately, they were testing a Cavalier instead of a Monte Carlo

2. The national journalists and photographers union got ahold of the car before the race

1. The gremlins did it!


Top 10 Reason Chip Ganassi REALLY Fired Jimmy Spencer

10. Spencer had a big Target sign on him...

9. Jimmy 'never forgets' except for that one pesky 'Must win a race or you're fired' clause in his contract

8. He kept saying "Welcome to Wal*Mart"

7. He cut ahead of Chip in the buffet line

6. Jimmy kept saying "If Felix was still in charge..."

5. Outback Steakhouse wants to sponsor Ganassi's cars, but insisted Jimmy had to go

4. Casey Atwood is available

3. Jimmy kept stealing Jamie McMurray's lunch money

2. Chip couldn't stand in the way of Jimmy's dream to be a ballerina

1. Wanted to see a headline reading "Spencer: For Hire"


Top Ten Things Chip Ganassi and Jimmy Spencer 'Mutually Agreed' On

10. That Chip's a jerk

9. That Jimmy can't drive

8. That an arthritic turtle in a wheelchair has a better chance of finding victory lane than Jimmy

7. That Jimmy has been getting second rate equipment

6. That Casey Atwood, Kevin Lepage, Hut Stricklin, Dick Trickle, and Todd Bodine are all available

5. That Jimmy was eating Ganassi Racing out of business

4. That the 2003 Target Hyundai wasn't testing well...

3. That finding XXXXXL driving suits is getting tougher

2. That Jimmy's a fat slob

1. Nothing
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Top 10 That Could Stop Tony Stewart From Winning the Championship at Homestead

10. Jimmy Spencer's last race in the Target car = demolition derby

9. Godzilla

8. The Big Brown Truck

7. The Big Red Truck

6. Mark Martin's crew adding some Viagra to the #6's engine

5. Running his Rockingham car

4. Lowe's Home Improvement Warehouse bribing NASCAR

3. That box of springs that arrived from a mysterious 'secret admirer'

2. NASCAR

1. The race is in Florida- there could be a recount


Top Ten Warning Signs That You Are Expriencing NASCAR Withdrawal

10. Your explanation of "Rubbin's racin'" doesn't cut it with the police officer arresting you for causing a 19 car pile-up on the freeway

9. Bill Elliott will be signing autographs in your hometown on February 4th, and you're already at the Dodge dealership waiting

8. Fun with Paint Shop Pro- Gordon in the Dupont Gremlin...Gordon in the Dupont Mustang II...Gordon in the Dupont Reliant K...Gordon in the Dupont Buick Skylark with the left turn blinker going...

7. The bulletin board comes out and you track every single move by drivers and crew chiefs

6. You start a rumor that BAM Racing has hired Jeff Burton and Fatback

5. You're stalking Hut Stricklin

4. You instruct neighborhood children on how to change the tires on your Lumina minivan in under 14 seconds

3. You buy Dale Earnhardt Jr. a new CD player for Christmas, since Ken Schrader won't be in the M&Ms car next year for him to bump into

2. You realize your wife's '94 Eagle Talon would look nice with racing decals, numbers, roll cage, window nets...

1. You deny you're in withdrawl


Top Ten Ways Tony Stewart Celebrated Winning The Championship

10. Running a sprint car race

9. Reading articles where members of the press HAD to praise him

8. By being an obnoxious Talladega race driver

7. Dairy Queen!

6. Disney World

5. Sending a twenty pound box of Viagra to Mark Martin as a consolation prize

4. Donuts in the Lowe's parking lot

3. Petitioning NASCAR to remove restrictor plates

2. Club E!

1. Retiring


Top Twenty National Enquirer NASCAR Headlines

20. Bill Elliott Is Really Blonde, Not a Redhead

19. Phil Barkdoll Surgery Shocker- He Now Has The Reflexes of a 20 Year Old

18. Ken Schrader Miracle Diet- He Shows How He Lost All Those M&M Pounds

17. Renault Testing New Winston Cup Car, Derrike Cope and Buckshot Jones To Drive

16. Lake Speed, Joe Ruttman, James Hylton, and Dick Trickle Form New Super-Gray Team To Compete With The 'Young Guns'

15. Kurt Busch Quits NASCAR to Join Circus

14. Firestone to Supply Tires for Winston Cup Series- Jay Leno Worried

13. Darrell Waltrip Reveals 'Boogity Boogity Boogity' Is His Mating Call

12. New Track To Be Built In Fairbanks, Alaska- Cup Date Will Be The Second Weekend In December

11. Bruton Smith Tell All: NASCAR "Never Promised" Texas a Second Date

10. George Michaels to Form New Cup Team, WHAM! to Pit Crew

9. Miss Cleo Predicts Jimmy Spencer To Win Daytona 500

8. Daimler-Chrysler Sponsors Every Team But Marcis Racing, Still Loses Manufacturer's Championship

7. Yates Replaces 'Mistake' Elliott Sadler With Shauna Robinson

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s Secret Stash of Air Supply CDs- Is He 'Lost In Love'?

5. Tony Stewart Dating a Reporter!

4. Ford's 'New' Winston Cup Car Revealed to be a '79 Granada

3. Mysterious 'Lady In Black' Haunts Darlington Raceway

2. Ray Evernham and Jeff Gordon Say Split Was Hasty, Will Team Up Again: Gordon to Drive #19

1. Dale Earnhardt Faked His Own Death, Autopsy Pictures Don't Exist


Top Ten Acts Rejected To Perform At The Winston Cup Banquet

10. Siegfried & Roy: Their tigers kept trying to eat Mark Martin

9. Enya: The drivers, pit crews, sponsors, car owners, fans, and even NASCAR's own employees threatened to riot if she were allowed anywhere near the banquet

8. Meat Loaf: They were afraid Jimmy Spencer would show up thinking 'meatloaf' was on the menu

7. George W. Bush: He couldn't locate New York City on a map so he had to cancel

6. Barney: Do we really need a reason?

5. Any of Kenny Wallace's Stacker 2 buddies...

4. The Muppets: NASCAR doesn't need a reason

3. Jim Carrey: There are enough talking rear ends there already

2. Martha Stewart: She'd correct every mistake in the speeches, in the presentation, in the meal...

1. Jeff Foxworthy: NASCAR keeps trying to move away from that redneck image


Top Ten Off-Season Jobs For NASCAR Personalities

10. Ken Schrader: Race car driver

9. Jeff Gordon: Star of the new FOX show: 'Who Wants To Marry A Race Car Driver?'

8. Ward Burton: Writer for 'Guns and Ammo'

7. Brett Bodine: Burger flipper at Hooters

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: AA spokesperson

5. Jimmy Spencer and Kurt Busch: Spencer and Busch Demolitions Incorporated

4. Robby Gordon: Monster truck driver

3. Bobby Labonte and Terry Labonte: Starring in a TV special- 'Where Are They Now?'s Look At Past Winston Cup Champions'

2. Darrell Waltrip: Disco dance instructor

1. Bruton Smith: Convincing 12 jurors that NASCAR is a monopoly


Top 12 Christmas Presents For NASCAR Personalities

12. Twelve more provisionals (Brett Bodine)

11. Eleven helmets throwing (Elliott Sadler)

10. Ten reporters sleeping (Tony Stewart)

9. Nine crewmen whining (Rusty Wallace)

8. Eight maids a mooching (Jeff Gordon)

7. Seven teams a winning (Jack Roush and Rick Hendrick- sooner or later one or both of them will have seven teams)

6. Six Clydesdales neighing (Dale Earnhardt Jr.)

5. Five mystery springs (Mark Martin)

4. Four new Goodyears

3. Three French fries (Jimmy Spencer)

2. Two front fenders (Kurt Busch)

1. And parts for Bill's Shelby GTs (Bill Elliott)


Top 10 NASCAR New Years Resolutions (That Will Be Broken)

10. "I will lose weight" (Jimmy Spencer and Mike Helton)

9. "I will stop swearing" (Rusty Wallace, Dale Earnhardt Jr. and others)

8. "No more trophy brides, next woman I marry will be a real sweetheart" (Jeff Gordon)

7. "I will stop making Stacker 2 commercials" (Kenny Wallace)

6. "I will win a race!" (Ken Schrader)

5. "I will not intentionally bump others out of the way" (Kurt Busch and Jeff Gordon, among others)

4. "I will not complain about the quality of my ride" (Ricky Rudd)

3. "I will not get put on probation this year" (Tony Stewart, Kevin Harvick, Todd Bodine, others)

2. "I will not appeal the verdict when the courts decide NASCAR is not a monopoly" (Bruton Smith...er I mean Francis Ferko)

1. "I will stop whining so much" (Rusty Wallace)


Top 10 Signs Your Favorite Driver Might Not Have Such a Good Season

10. The fans have stopped booing him and kind of miss when he used to win all those races

9. His Daytona 500 car is a '77 Mercury Cougar...Villager station wagon...with simulated wood side panels

8. Said Cougar Villager still posts a faster lap speed than Ken Schrader and the BAM Racing Dodge

7. Jimmy Spencer is blaming him for getting fired from Ganassi Racing

6. Tony Stewart has turned faster laps than his at the track...in a go cart

5. He's too busy yelling 'Boogity boogity boogity' in the broadcast booth

4. Driver: Loose. Tight. Loose. Tight.
*CRUNCH*
Spotter: OUCH! That hurt just watching it.

3. Out for the first half of the season with a broken nail

2. He's too busy holding a sign that reads 'Will Race For Food!'

1. Sponsor is too busy going into bankruptcy and keeps forgetting to send the checks


Top Ten Titles NASCAR Rejected For Pre-Season Testing (Before Settling on Pre-Season Thunder)

10. Pre-Season Brontosaurus (aka: Pre-Season Thunder Lizard)

9. Pre-Season Jimmy Spencer Aerobics! (aka: Pre-Season Thunder Thighs)

8. Pre-Season Wreckfest 2003! (aka: Pre-Season NASCAR Thunder 2003 for the Playstation 2)

7. Pre-Season The Weather Channel Is In Re-Runs! (aka: Pre-Season Thunder and Lightning)

6. Pre-Season Ford Fest! (aka Pre-Season Thunderbird and Thunderbolt)

5. Pre-Season Bambi's Bunny Friend (aka: Pre-Season Thumper)

4. Pre-Season Testing Presented By Irish Spring (aka: Pre-Season Thundershower)

3. Pre-Season NASCAR Monster Truck Division Freestyle! (aka: Pre-Season Thunderstruck)

2. Pre-Season We Still Have One Person Who Can Afford Tickets And He Is Applauding! (aka: Pre-Season Thunderclap)

1. Pre-Season Mike Helton Just Ate At Taco Bell! (which is how they ended up with Pre-Season Thunder)


Top Ten Rejected NASCAR Sponsors

10. Any sponsor catering to 'tuner' cars

9. Hyundai

8. The Oprah Winfrey Show

7. Speedway Motorsports

6. Renault

5. United States Hot Rod Association

4. Ferrari

3. CART

2. LeBra

1. Yugo


Top Twenty Rejected NASCAR Website Sponsors

20. http://www.miata.net/

19. http://www.renaultfuego.8k.com/

18. http://encyclopedia.classicoldsmobile.com/toronado/index.html

17. http://www.studebakercars.net

16. http://www.celicasupra.com/

15. http://www.neons.org/

14. http://www.rx-7.net/index.mv

13. http://www.delorean.com/

12. http://www.desoto.org/

11. http://www.fiero.org/

10. http://www.datsun.org/

9. http://chevette.virtualave.net/

8. http://www.metro.nash.org/

7. http://www.mustangii.net/

6. http://www.buick-riviera.nl/

5. http://monza.homestead.com/monza.html

4. http://www.edsel.net/

3. http://amcpacer.com/

2. http://www.stationwagon.com/

1. http://www.fordpinto.com/


Top Ten Signs That The Daytona 500 Is Almost Here

10. More Stacker 2 commercials

9. That weird sport involving grown men throwing a 'pigskin' to each other has finished for the year

8. FOX is showing more 'World's Scariest Car Crashes'

7. Next door neighbor is proudly washing his 'Bobby Allison Signature Edition' AMC Matador

6. A quick look around the neighborhood reveals that all lawns are freshly mowed, for the last time until the middle of November

5. Nationwide beer shortages

4. Jayski's Hit Counter now frozen at 999,999,999,999

3. Bill Elliott fans (including myself) have decided to go to a 'limited NASCAR viewing schedule' that (surprisingly) mirrors the exact races Bill is going to be in

2. Darrell Waltrip practicing saying 'boogity' and new, even more annoying, words

1. Tapes of all of last year's races have worn out from repeated viewing


The Top Ten Things Ryan Newman Was Thinking While His Car Was Upside Down At Daytona

10. "Why are all those other cars upside down?"

9. *Comes to realization on who is upside down* "Why am I upside down?"

8. "Spencer. It had to be Spencer..."

7. "This is gonna hurt."

6. *Slight pause* "Muchly."

5. "Wow! Look at all the pieces fly off! I'll make a fortune selling the parts on EBay!"

4. "If DW says 'boogity' on the restart after this caution..."

3. "Here I am, a human crash dummy. Why couldn't I have picked a safer profession? I could have been a minesweeper in Iraq, but no, I had to be a race car driver..."

2. "I still function!"

1. "To think, I used to pay money at Disney World for rides half as thrilling."


Miss Winston's Top 10 Complaints

10. Ever try to find Unocal 76 earrings?

9. NASCAR officials won't let her race her Miata

8. Disco is STILL dead

7. 'Boogity'

6. That no one ever looks her in the face

5. Cold weather races

4. No race in Hawaii

3. Her boyfriend is jealous of Kurt Busch spending so much time with her

2. Rainy race days

1. If Winston leaves...she's unemployed!


Top 10 Cool Things About Racing In Las Vegas

10. Jimmy Spencer's odds of striking it rich at a casino are better than his odds of winning the race

9. $1.99 steak dinner- are they out of their minds?

8. Can't score on the track? The Mustang Ranch is right down the block...

7. At least everyone in Vegas admits they're after your money, not like the ex-Mrs. Gordon

6. Jeremy Mayfield was finally able to get a ride in a fast car- he rented a Ferrari

5. Only track on the circuit near banks that actually cash those big cardboard checks

4. Parking lot is strangely AMC free

3. The Silver State Challenge

2. Robbie Knievel jumping a Winston Cup car over the fountains at Caesars Palace

1. 'Winston Cup Drivers Gone Wild: Las Vegas'


Top 10 Rejected NASCAR Slogans

10. 55 years without a slogan!

9. Now 100% rear wheel drive coupe free!

8. RED necks. WHITE men. BLUE collar. This is America's sport.

7. This place is the pits!

6. Too loose? Just add wedge!

5. Even we can't understand what Ward Burton is saying!

4. 43 cars and only three are sponsored by beer companies!

3. Boogity boogity boogity!

2. More than meets the eye

1. What rulebook?


Top 10 Excuses Used In the Big Red Truck

10. *With fingers crossed* "It won't happen again."

9. "But Bodine only got probation for the same thing!"

8. "That was Elliott, not Mayfield? NUTS!"

7. "That'll teach Ganassi to replace me with rookies..."

6. "You mean Porsche parts aren't approved for competition?"

5. "You know the fans tune in to see a good wreck every once in awhile. I just give 'em what they want."

4. "What button to activate a traction control device? That's just ummn, a good luck charm, yeah, the gas cap off my first car- a '75 Ford Maverick."

3. "It was only Bodine...and Harvick...and Andretti...and Cope...and uh, who were the other thirteen drivers?

2. "My daddy is King around here!"

1. "With all the special paint jobs, I kept thinking I was wrecking the right car- give my apologies to the twenty drivers I wrecked by accident, while I go punch the right one in the face."


Top Ten Reasons NASCAR Doesn't Race Outside The U.S.

10. Monaco refuses to allow Chevrolet Monte Carlos (or Dodge Monacos, for that matter) into the country, citing lack of royalties to the royalty

9. The French STILL regret selling American Motors to Chrysler and want nothing to do with American cars

8. The National Association for Stock Gondola Canal Racing doesn't have a good ring to it, despite what Venice is willing to pay NASCAR for a race

7. Godzilla keeps trying to wrestle Jimmy Spencer

6. Jody Ridley went to Australia once...and hasn't been seen since

5. Too hard to install defrosters for Canadian winter races

4. Ever try to get a VAM (Vehiculos Automotores Mexicanos S.A.) Lerma (cross between AMC Concord and AMC Spirit) through NASCAR tech?

3. Russian mob is afraid the France family will take their country over

2. One look at NÜRBURGRING and Rusty, Kenny, and Mike Wallace all wet themselves

1. The Loch Ness Monster. Soccer riots. Ireland/Northern Ireland. DeLorean. Any wonders why the British Isles don't have a Cup race?
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Top Ten Driver's Excuses For Waving Out The Window

10. Drying nail polish

9. I was signaling him to pass me on the high side so I could run him into the wall easier...

8. Just letting him know he owes me a beer when the race is over

7. Ever since I lost my index fingers and thumbs in a grain thrasher, I've had to use that finger to show appreciation

6. In my country, that is sign of affection

5. I was listening to "Stayin' Alive" and was striking a John Travolta pose

4. I don't remember doing that, it must be all the Stacker 2...

3. I saw it in "Days of Thunder" oh wait, wrong Tom Cruise movie, it was "Top Gun"!

2. I was only telling him about the Camaro driver who cut me off last night on the turnpike

1. It was that or moon him


Top Ten Things More Appropriate For The Texas Trophy Than A Pair Of Cowboy Boots

10. Tickets to the fall race at Texas, signed by Bruton Smith

9. Aerodynamic steer horns for mounting on the hood of the winning race car

8. A Dallas Cowboys cheerleader

7. Free oil and gas for a year

6. Bill Elliott's blown motor

5. Autographed "Shut Up And Drive" T-shirts

4. A ticket into the Winston All Star race

3. A horse (pick from our lovely selection of Mustangs, Chargers, Broncos, Pacers, and Pintos...all with low, low mileage!)

2. "Bruton For President" and "New NASCAR Monopoly Game- How Appropriate!" bumper stickers

1. Half of North Wilksboro (Now to work on Bob Bahre...)


Top Ten Reasons Why NASCAR REALLY Impounded Tony's Stewart's Car

10. Moonshine in the trunk

9. It was a Corvette instead of a Monte Carlo

8. The word "TRAC" was displayed on the back bumper

7. NASCAR was bribed by DEI

6. Disco mirror ball hanging from the rearview was distracting other drivers

5. Nationwide shortage of '70s cars has the USHRA begging for new sources of junk cars for the pre-race monster truck rallies

4. France family now wishes to be chauffeured in official Winston Cup stock cars

3. "Tuner" style muffler was attracting the wrong demographics...

2. Not enough corporate sponsors- there was precisely one square inch of logo-less race car

1. Mike Helton needs a demolition derby car for next week's Fairgrounds Classic


Top Ten Uses For A Car After The "Big One" At Talladega

10. Add some Miracle Gro and make it a planter

9. Bury it in the shop's backyard

8. Tax deduction

7. Crush it into a cube and sell it as a one of a kind coffee table*

6. "We still have a left rear fender, we can rebuild!"

5. Merchandise it by allowing Action to turn it into a one of a kind wrecked 1/64 diecast

4. Traumatizing rookies

3. "Crazy Penske's Used Cars"

2. There's something left?!?

1. Cut it up into spare parts, have the driver autograph them, list them on eBay, and make big bucks

*I kid you not- this top ten list was written before Johnny Bensen did this exact thing!


Top Twenty Driver Excuses For Hitting Another Car at Martinsville

20. "Come on, it was only [Jeff Gordon] [Spencer] [Robby Gordon] [Rusty Wallace]."

19. "Since when does NASCAR care about rules?!?"

18. "Here's a dollar, go away."

17. "If I give Mike Helton a cream filled doughnut will he let me off again?"

16. "My horn's broken, and he kept ignoring the hand signal I was giving him..."

15. "Well, his bumper was dragging, and I didn't want him to have to pit under green to tear it off..."

14. "I saw that move in 'Days of Thunder'."

13. "Well, you disqualified my monster truck, what else was I supposed to do?"

12. "Sorry, I was on my cell phone..."

11. "This track's too small for full size cars."

10. "According to the instructions, put 43 cars onto the track, set Martinsville to liquify, and wait for 500 laps- I was three laps down, so my 500 laps aren't up yet..."

9. "This isn't Bristol?"

8. "Ever since I bought that new Aiwa CD player I haven't needed to bump Schrader to fix the skip, but old habits die hard..."

7. "It shut Wallace up, didn't it?"

6. "I PITY DA FOO'!"

5. "Brakes failed."

4. "That wasn't my car, that was my teammate's."

3. "Hey look! Delma Cowart's over there!" *Runs*

2. "Sorry, I can't hear you- the fans are cheering too loudly."

1. "I wanted to hear Buddy Baker shout 'Its a Gremlin!' again."


Top Ten Things Drivers Did To Relax Over The Easter "Break"

10. Hid Easter eggs

9. Changed all the "Rabbit season" signs to "Duck season" signs

8. Prank calls to Mike Helton

7. Chocolate coated what's left of the Bristol car

6. Called Morgan Shepherd and Lake Speed

5. Went home, relaxed, and decided to retire

4. Break? Whazzat?

3. Attempted to qualify a Volkswagen Rabbit

2. Dress up in a bunny suit and sign autographs

1. Tried to find those Easter eggs they hid in the first place, because their kids thought they were 'too old' to hunt Easter eggs


Top Ten Things Jeff Green Said To Richard Childress In The Pits At Richmond

10. Well, if you'd give me a faster car I could actually get out of that maniac's way!

9. That's G R E E N- I drive for you, remember?

8. Sunshine, on my shoulder, makes me happy.... Kevin Harvick, on my bumper, ticks me off....

7. Fine, why don't you just replace me with Steve Park!

6. I hope your AOL Internet crashes, your GM Goodwrench brakes fail, and your Cingular Wirless cell phone stops working!

5. This is my imitation of Robby Gordon...

4. I'm gonna come back here with Big Show and he's gonna pound you so hard your ancestors are gonna feel it!

3. Nothing- he was merely practing his miming techniques

2. *Bleep* *bleep*, you *bleep*ing *bleep*er!

1. I can't believe you let guys who think they're Dale Earnhardt drive for you!


The Top Ten Things Tony Stewart Would Rather Do Than Run The Winston In 2004

10. Run a drag race

9. Run an Indy car race

8. Run a Dirt Modified race

7. Run a Craftsman Truck Series race

6. Run a Street Stock race

5. Run a Busch Grand National race

4. Run a monster truck rally

3. Run an ARCA race

2. Run a sprint car race

1. Run a demolition derby (oh wait, that *is* the Winston...)


Top Twenty Signs Your Favorite Driver Might Be The Next To Get The Axe

20. Nickname "Million Dollar Bill" is now "Change For A Dollar Bill"

19. He drives the 19

18. Even Jayski has forgotten who he is

17. He drives the 43

16. The Iceman has melted into the "Lukewarm Lemonade Man"

15. He drives the 1

14. His fan club's website has a counter- and its frozen at '00000003'

13. He drives the 30

12. He was at the Winston Cup banquet last year- as a waiter

11. He drives the 4

10. Jim Smith keeps whistling the theme from Spencer: For Hire

9. Roger Penske thinks Wallace is looking 'rusty' behind the wheel

8. His car for the Pepsi 400 is a '73 Chevy Vega

7. Even the Viagra isn't helping any more...

6. Hooters Girls are no longer hanging around his pit stall

5. He drives for DEI

4. "I retire. No wait, I don't. My car stinks. My teammate gets the best car. I retire. No, I'm back..."

3. Big Show says Wallace can't run fast enough

2. Hut Stricklin has been seen hanging around

1. "Sorry son, but I think we will get better results if we put that nice Atwood kid in the 8..."


Top Ten Things Winston Cup Drivers Did To Relax During Their Off Week

10. Slept

9. Drove the Busch race

8. Practiced saying "NASCAR Nextel Cup Series"

7. Attended a BeeGees concert ("Disco is dead? But it was still in the last time we had an off weekend!)

6. Prank phone calls to the ex-Mrs. Gordon

5. Actually visited the beach part of "Daytona Beach"

4. Searched EBay for new old stock Shelby parts

3. Went home to discover that his wife left him three years ago

2. Explained to the pit crew that a '95 Toyota Supra will not pass NASCAR tech inspection, despite the fact that it looked very cool in "The Fast And The Furious"

1. Stole an idea posted on a Top 10 list* and crushed a restrictor plate car into a coffee table

*See above!


Top Ten Things You Can Do During a NBC/TNT Commercial Break

10. Restore a rusted out 1969 Ford Torino Talladega to original showroom condition

9. Watch FOX or CBS

8. "Dukes Of Hazzard" marathon!

7. Make a NASCAR website devoted to your favorite driver, only to take it down when the commercial break is over, because he's retired in the meantime

6. Mow the lawn, and mow the neighbor's lawn

5. Find Mr. T and have him personally 'pity' everyone at NBC

4. Gather enough food to satisfy Benny Parsons' cravings

3. Pop in the tape of the season finale at Atlanta in '92

2. Track down Buddy Baker and put him in the NBC/TNT broadcast booth to make the races worth watching with the sound ON

1. Run a 500 mile stock car race


Top Ten Reasons Kevin Harvick Ran Out Of Fuel At Chicagoland

10. Childress Racing should never have accepted those free calculators from Penske Racing South

9. Kevin had the air conditioning on full blast

8. According to Childress Racing's new press agent (formerly Iraq's Information Minister) Harvick did not run out of gas

7. Someone secretly switched his motor with a Petty Enterprises motor

6. He was using 87 octane

5. Forgot he wasn't driving a Toyota.... yet

4. Gambled and lost- better not hit the casinos in Atlantic City this week

3. It was scripted by NASCAR

2. Too busy rubbernecking on the last caution to come in and get gas

1. With gas prices what they are these days, who can blame him for staying out!


Top Ten Ways NASCAR Would Be Different If Steven Speilberg Were In Charge

10. Devil's Tower Intergalatic Raceway in Wyoming

9. Nazis chasing everyone claiming that they are seeking "The Lost Rulebook"

8. Rusty Wallace replaced by a whiny A.I. robot

7. Steve Park forced to go by Steven Park

6. Booby traps- including a giant Unocal 76 ball running around the track

5. National Anthem performed by Huey Lewis at every track

4. Cars would have built in time travel capabilities

3. Darrell Waltrip replaced with a different "Jaws"

2. ET would be forced to "Phone home" with a Nextel phone

1. Penalty box replaced with a pit of bloodthirsty Velociraptors


Top Ten Things, Other Than The Rear Deck Lid, The #0 Team Left For The #7 Team At New Hampshire

10. 500 pounds of food for Jimmy Spencer, in the hopes that he can't fit into the car anymore

9. A book entitled "101 Ways to Train Your Dog" for Jimmy Spencer to use on Mongo

8. A book entitled "101 Ways to Train Your Race Car Driver" for Jim Smith to use on Jimmy Spencer

7. A '79 Dodge Omni 024- the only car Spencer hasn't hit yet

6. A NASCAR license for Jimmy Spencer, in case he loses the one he bought at Wal*Mart

5. Bob Barker's Home Neutering Kit for Mongo

4. Bob Barker's Home Neutering Kit for Jimmy Spencer

3. A seat in the Big Red Trailer

2. A one way ticket to the Rock of Gibraltar

1. The wrecked #0 Pontiac, left atop Spencer's personal car in the parking lot


Top Ten Things That Have Changed Since Ricky Rudd Made His First Winston Cup Start

10. Disco is no longer 'in'

9. AMC goes from making Gremlins and Pacers as an independent company, to being bought by Renault, sold to Chrysler (became Eagle Division), and finally dropped entirely when Chrysler merged with Daimler-Benz...

8. Chrysler leaves NASCAR and returns to NASCAR after a 16 year absence

7. Chevrolet Nova, Impala, Monte Carlo, Malibu, Camaro, and Corvette (there was no 1983 Corvette) all exit production- all except the Camaro return, but the Nova's second appearance is brief before it is discontinued again

6. Southern California racetracks in Ontario and Riverside are torn down, only to be replaced with Fontana (a few miles away and many years later)

5. New Beetle replaces old Beetle

4. Richard Petty, Buddy Baker, Darrell Waltrip, and Bobby Allison have all retired

3. Gray hairs

2. Numbers: 21...28...10...5...26...

1. Wal*Mart's rise to world domination is now entering the final stages


Top Ten Things That Haven't Changed Since Ricky Rudd Made His First Winston Cup Start

10. Ford Mustang still in production

9. Non-elected Republican President

8. "Big Yellow Taxi" was a hit then and a hit now

7. Kyle Petty's hairstyle

6. NASCAR

5. Rod Stewart, Elton John, Hall and Oates, Barry Manilow, Bruce Sprinsteen, The Eagles, and Fleetwood Mac are all still putting out new albums

4. Jimmy Spencer may still be wearing the same underwear, no one wants to get close enough to find out...

3. Fords still have safety recalls (Pintos then, Explorers shod with Firestones now)

2. Middle East politics still makes headlines

1. Americans still like big vehicles (Dodge Royal Monacos and Ford LTDs have given way to Dodge Rams and Ford Expeditions)


Top Ten Things That Go Through A Driver's Mind While Leading On The Last Lap

10. "You know, I never even raced against Dale, yet I have this weird feeling if I look in my rearview mirror I will see a black #3 Chevy."

9. "I wonder what would happen if I downshifted into first?"

8. "Gosh I hope I can get the trophy girl's number this time."

7. "Ack! I hope they know I can't drink the champagne because I'm underage."

6. "Gosh, I left Big Show locked in the trunk! He's gonna kill me!"

5. "Stock car 48x is moving at a velocity 63.9v. Stock car 79y is closing in at a speed of 65.1v and is 30m behind. How many laps will it take for stock car 79y to pass stock car 48x. Will he have enough time in 45 laps? 30 laps? 5 laps? Suppose stock car 16r is moving at a velocity 67.8v and is 200m behind. Can stock car 16r pass both 79y and 48x with five laps to go?"

4. "Nuts, I can't win! I have $300 riding on Gordon!"

3. "Can't sleep. Earnhardt will eat me. Can't sleep. Earnhardt will eat me. Can't sleep. Earnhardt will eat me."

2. "Got to thank all of my sponsors, like... oh no! I forget who my sponsors are!"

1. "That black #3 is coming...that black #3 is coming..." (old habits die hard)


Top Ten Things On Greg Zipadelli's Mind After Tony Stewart Faded Late In The Brickyard 400

10. "Keep photographers away from Tony at all costs."

9. "OK, who switched our Goodyears with Firestones?"

8. "Blame Petty Enterprises' engine builder, even if he didn't build the engine."

7. "Paint all the cars in the shop in soothing pastels."

6. "Schedule a meeting with Tony's anger management counselor for tomorrow morning."

5. "Note to self- bring Tony's stuffed Care Bears to said anger management meeting."

4. "Get Tony a thesaurus so he can vary his swear words a bit."

3. "Next year don't leave 'Johnny Hates Jazz's Greatest Hits' in the CD player."

2. "I wonder what the number is for the nearest Witness Relocation Center?"

1. "Maybe I should accept that offer from BAM Racing after all..."


Top 10 Signs That Your Crew Chief Is Experiencing Burnout

10. Keeps trying to find Studebaker performance parts for the engine

9. Wang Chung karaoke nights unpopular with the driver and pit crew, yet remain a daily occurrence

8. When the driver comes in for "stickers", he leaves with his car decorated with Hello Kitty stickers

7. The "Guaranteed forever" Craftsman tools have been replaced with tools made in some country you've never heard of, that guarantees the tools to work, valid only if the tool is never removed from its packaging

6. Calls the driver in to park the car on the second lap of the race

5. When the driver requests 'more wedge' he is given a wedge of cheese

4. Keeps forgetting to tighten the lugnuts

3. First pit crew job was changing tires on the Fabulous Hudson Hornet

2. Keeps requesting Chad Little as a substitute driver

1. It takes Face and B.A. to get him out of the psych ward each week in time for the race


Top Ten Things Jimmy Spencer Did While Suspended From Driving At Bristol

10. Ran the #7 1974 Dodge Monaco in the Fairgrounds Classic demolition derby

9. Beat up the three derby drivers who all painted their cars to look like Kurt Busch's

8. No beer and no NASCAR make Jimmy something something. Go crazy? Don't mind if I do! *Goes crazy*

7. Watched the race on TV, and then called every driver who got hit by Busch

6. Visited Tony Stewart's anger management counselor

5. Tried to destroy Tony's Care Bear collection (which Tony had left with his counselor when he stormed out of their last meeting) but they were just too darned cute

4. Bought Kurt tickets to Seaworld so he can fulfill life-long ambition to 'swim with the fishes'

3. Sold realistic, life-size dolls of Kurt Busch in San Francisco

2. Got fatter

1. Played NASCAR games on his Playstation 2 and took great delight driving Kurt Busch's car the wrong way (just like in real life!)


Top Ten Thoughts That Go Through A Driver's Mind When He Hears The Words "Gentlemen Start Your Engines!"

10. Traction control, engaged

9. I'm in the wrong car!

8. That is the worst mangling of the national anthem I've ever heard... even worse than last week's, which was worse than the week previously's...

7. Wait, I'm in the 49 car....NOOOOOOOO!

6. I hope that Busch brat doesn't try to flatten *my* 'fenders'...

5. Just another Sunday, driving a tired old common template car at a cookie cutter track

4. "We built this city on ROCK AND ROLL!"

3. I wonder how much money I could make by sneaking Spencer, Busch, both Gordons, Harvick, the Wallaces, the Bodines, and Tony Stewart onto Springer?

2. "Dude, where's my car?"

1. I hope the car will start!


The Top Ten Least Desirable NASCAR Memorabilia Found On eBay

10. Mike Helton's sweat stained undershirts

9. "Toyota" racing t-shirts

8. Buckshot Jones diecast

7. Tickets to a fall race at Texas

6. Greg Sacks diecast

5. North Wilksboro

4. Racing Champions' 1/64 scale AMC Pacer decorated in NASCAR paint schemes

3. Hut Stricklin collector glass from Pizza Hut

2. Kurt Busch diecast

1. Jeff Gordon Edition Monte Carlo


The Top Ten Most Desirable NASCAR Memorabilia Found On eBay

10. Kurt Busch's autographed 'hit list'

9. Anything with Jimmy Spencer & Mongo on it

8. Dale Earnhardt Edition 2000 Camaro

7. "Million Dollar Bill" with "Bill Elliot" name and likeness (note, Elliott's name is misspelled on the orginal bills issued by Darlington in '85)

6. "Used" Hooters Girl Brett Bodine t-shirts

5. Buddy Baker

4. Richard Petty's hat

3. Dale Earnhardt Jr. diecast

2. Race ready '70 Plymouth Roadrunner Superbird

1. Bristol tickets


Top 10 Signs That Silly Season Is In Full Swing

10. Kenny Wallace starts hearing about how well Hut Stricklin used to drive the #23, and how he better improve results, or they'll hire Hut back

9. Drivers have their current contracts framed and hanging...over their toilet

8. Robert Yates is already talking to drivers about signing with him...for 2012

7. Geoffrey Bodine actually has a shot for a ride

6. Pizza Hut is rumored to be a sponsor

5. Your favorite driver announces his retirement...again

4. Darrell Waltrip gets even more excited than normal

3. The hit counter on Jayski's site reads "TILT"

2. Earnhardt Jr. and Childress are mentioned in the same breath

1. The Gatorade Twin 125s have just concluded


Top Ten Excuses Used By Drivers For Missing Their Pit Box

10. "Out of body experience"

9. "I dropped my contact lens"

8. "The CD player skipped"

7. "Glasses fogged up"

6. "Got blocked by Wallace"

5. "Who needs a pit box- I parked it on lap 3"

4. "But the Rainbow Warriors are faster than my pit crew and I got there first"

3. "Well, the #9 pit looks just like ours"

2. "I was too busy eating Bojangles chicken"

1. "I never missed the pitbox and you can't prove it"


Top Ten Rejected Pit Board Signs

10. Wal*Mart Smiley (Casey Mears)

9. A big picture of Kurt Busch (Jimmy Spencer)

8. NASCAR took one look at Viagra's proposed pit board for Mark Martin and told them 'No!'

7. Any pit board for a Petty Enterprises car- not like they'd ever get used

6. Park here! (Steve Park)

5. A giant picture of Jimmy Spencer's butt (Kurt Busch)

4. A crushed race car cube (Johnny Benson)

3. A Toyota logo

2. A giant (well, its lifesize, anyway) picture of Mike Helton

1. Dodge this! (Bill Elliott and Jeremy Mayfield)
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Top Ten Things Driver's Did On Their Unexpected Friday Off

10. Forty-one drivers 'arranged' for an 'accidental' meeting between Jimmy Spencer and Kurt Busch in a dark alley

9. Stayed at home an extra day

8. Drained the shop, so they could get the race cars out, and to the track

7. Mud wrestlin' in the infield: "King Kong" Helton vs. Mikey "I'm at the wrong track" Waltrip

6. Went looking for speed traps, just to pass them at 200 MPH and make the police officers shake their heads and go, "Nahhh"

5. Yuppy tipping!

4. Tony Stewart, Kurt Busch, Jimmy Spencer, "Happy" Harvick, Robby Gordon, Ricky Rudd, Dale Earnhardt Jr., and Rusty Wallace all finally managed to sit down and work out their differences on "Jerry Springer"

3. Well, the Bristol car was already torn up... and that newly formed mudpit was just too tempting...

2. Neil Diamond, Carly Simon, and Bread in concert!

1. All you can eat night at the Turn #3 hot dog vendor cart


Top Ten Items Found At NASCAR Personality Yard Sales

10. Dick Trickle's yard sale was a bust- no one showed

9. Dave Marcis' yard sale had recently replaced pit equipment (jacks, pit board, etc.) from the 1960s

8. Bill Elliott's garage sale (no, the Shelby 'Stangs aren't for sale) had some Coors, some Budweiser, and a whole lot of Big Macs

7. Larry Foyt bought half a dozen provisionals from Matt Kenseth

6. Roger Penske's yard sale had factory AMC jackets from the 1970s

5. Kerry Earnhardt's yard sale provided a never been used Winston Cup career

4. Surprisingly, James Hylton's garage sale turned up a race ready 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona

3. Darrell Waltrip's garage sale had many shiny objects

2. Kurt Busch tried to have a garage sale, but discovered people would rather pay money to spit on him

1. Mike Helton's yard sale turned up a rulebook


Top Ten Things That Could Stop Matt Kenseth From Winning The Championship

10. Listening to Kenny G CDs while racing- hard to win a championship when you're asleep

9. Taurus replaced with Festiva

8. Using the set of Goodyears donated by the #20 team

7. He gets between (take your pick) Spencer/Busch, Rudd/Harvick, Rusty Wallace/Jeff Gordon, or Benny Parsons/lunch

6. Accidently answers the Batsignal in the middle of the Phoenix race

5. Jack Roush has a fit of temporary insanity and replaces him with Rick Wilson

4. Moves to Russia to take up an offer to be a ballerina (they had a recent opening)

3. Godzilla

2. Arrested by Rosco P. Coltrane for 'impersonating a race car driver' so J. D. Hogg can 'fix' the championship and make a killing on gambling

1. Nothing


Top Ten Nicknames For Caution Free Pass Winner Other Than "Lucky Dog"

10. "That *@$%*&# @$#^$%*!" as heard on Rusty Wallace's scanner

9. The Todd Bodine Award

8. "Lucky? That's my cat's name!"

7. As soon as the races are back on FOX- "The Lucky Fox Pass"

6. The Buick Pass For Slower Drivers

5. The Everyone Hates It Until They Use It Pass

4. The What's It Matter Anyway, Newman's Going To Win On Fuel Mileage Pass

3. The Turtle Pass or The Sloth Pass

2. The "I owe NASCAR for that debris caution!" Pass

1. "My car's a dog, and this was lucky, what's wrong with 'Lucky Dog'?"


Top Ten Things Ward Burton Will Do With His NetZero Access

10. Hack Bill Davis Racing's website

9. Post at the Buckshot Jones Fan Club message board- just three posts and he's already the number one poster!

8. Before he uses it, he will actually go buy a computer

7. "That Jayski fella's website really does exist!"*

6. Post on (insert AOL car driver for 2004 here)'s fan board and comment on how slow both AOL and the AOL car are

5. Get an online engineering degree to help figure fuel mileage

4. Submit a top 10 list to this site

3. Cancel it and upgrade to Comcast High Speed Cable

2. AIM message to Casey Mears: "I'm your biggest fan! I'm 22/F/CT and I want to meet you!"

1. "What's the Internet?"*

*Loosely translated from Wardese


Top Twenty Things You'll Never Hear A NASCAR Driver Say

20. "NASCAR is so generous!"

19. "NASCAR is so understanding!"

18. "Man that BAM car was impossible to catch today!"

17. "Athletes? Yeah right. All we do is turn left!"

16. "How can it fail tech inspection? I just got this Monte Carlo from the Chevy dealership. Its completely stock!"

15. "Ah ah ah ah stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!"

14. "Hut Stricklin just plain outraced me for the win."

13. "Cope was the class of the field today!"

12. "See Spot. See Spot run. Run Spot run!"

11. "To the Thunderbat, Robin!"

10. "****!" Oh wait, Rusty, Tony, and Jeremy have all said that on live TV, never mind...

9. "The Goodyear tires they brought here are awful!" Oh wait, Tony's said that too...

8. "******* Sony for buying ******* AIWA and ruining it... now I'll never get this ******* skip out of my ******* CD player!"

7. "I'd like to thank the first car owner to ever give me a break on my local dirt track back home in Jersey, and my first sponsor, Caldor's, hey, are they even still in business? Come to think of it, I loved that old Caldor's Gremlin modified...."

6. "I want to drive the truck!"

5. "Stage one of NASCAR's plan for total world domination has been completed. Initiate stage two!"

4. "Let's take our worst car to Daytona, win the race, and let NASCAR USA have it for a year."

3. "Whatever." Wait, Bill Elliott used that one...

2. "Golly, I sure do wish that Spencer fella would rearrange my face again, 'cause my nose is getting kinda crooked from the first time."

1. "Well, thank you for the offer Mr. Childress, but I'd rather drive for Morgan McClure."


Top 10 Things We Hope To Never See During A Rain Delay

10. A rerun of a boring race

9. Benny Parsons eating

8. Wally and Benny trying to explain tight and loose, while making engine sounds, and using technical terms such as 'thingamazooie'

7. A clip show featuring the best moments in crocheting

6. Noah, gathering two of every animal (how long is *that* rain delay going to be?!?)

5. Bruton Smith announce that he is building another cookie cutter 1.5 mile oval in the middle of Montana

4. Benny singing "Benny and the Jets" (or, for that matter, "Benny and the Pits" or anything else)

3. Darrell Waltrip's 'sun dance' which turns out to be a '91 Plymouth Sundance sedan

2. Kurt Busch and Kevin Harvick mud wrestling

1. The Jimmy Spencer Swimwear Collection, as modeled by Jimmy Spencer and Mike Helton


Top 10 Things We REALLY Want To See During A Rain Delay

10. A rerun of an exciting race

9. Buddy Baker and Ned Jarrett in the booth

8. A clip show featuring great moments in NASCAR racing since the '70s

7. Bruton Smith announce that he is building a second Bristol style track in New Jersey

6. Benny Parsons announcing his retirement

5. Miss Nextel tryouts: Too Hot For TV

4. Kurt Busch stealing a monster truck and flattening the #12 and #24 cars

3. Celebrity Boxing: Tony Stewart vs. a reporter

2. Infield demolition derby: Jarrett and the UPS truck takes on all challengers

1. The Coca-Cola Racing Family of Drivers, all drinking RC Cola


Top 10 "New Wave" Ways To Celebrate In Victory Lane

10. Playing Boy George and Culture Club's greatest New Wave hits

9. Destroying the car in the victory celebration so nothing is 'suspicious' in the post-race inspection

8. Pondering why the Thompson Twins chose their name...they're not named Thompson, nor are they twins (sure beats mentioning the sponsors twenty times apiece)

7. Melting the tires to Modern English's "I Melt With You"

6. Taking "The Metro" into Victory Lane instead of driving

5. Tearing up the grass in the infield

4. Headbanging to a-ha's "Take On Me"

3. Running (So Far Away) from tech inspectors (and for that matter, A Flock Of Seagulls)

2. Staying 'here in my car (where) I feel safest of all' because NASCAR can't get to my traction control device

1. Polish Victory Lap- new, perhaps not, but why mess with a classic?


Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear In NASCAR

10. "Sure you can have a second date at Texas, Mr. Smith."

9. "That bikini wax looks good, Mr. Spencer."

8. "We're happy to have you writing for the 'New York Times', Mr. Stewart."

7. "Let's build another Bristol!"

6. "Let's build another Darlington!"

5. "Let's build another Rockingham!"

4. "Mr. Busch, how do you remain so calm?"

3. "Congratulations on your Nextel Cup championship, Mr. Ruttman!"

2. "Call me Richard. Richard Trickle."

1. "Darrell, 'You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me, Loose Wheel' has just gone platinum!"


Top Ten Excuses For Spinning Out Another Driver On Pit Road

10. "It's so hard to slow down to 55 MPH"

9. "This isn't the Olympics' 'synchronized spinning' competition?"

8. "I saw Delma Cowart, and I know he's banned from being here, so I was trying to get your attention so you could go chase him..."

7. "He must've hit an oil slick right before I caught up to him"

6. "I thought that was my pit box so I had to make a hard left!"

5. "Muscle spasm"

4. "I lost my contact lens."

3. "But his car has a big Target sign on it!"

2. "The CD I was listening to started skipping right at the part where all the evil subliminal messages are"

1. "Well, I couldn't think of a good reason not to?"


Top Ten Excused Used By Drivers For Parking Their Cars Early In A Race

10. "My pit crew was abducted by aliens!"

9. "I thought I saw a Bodine, got scared, and pulled off the track..."

8. "I have my driver's license test tommorow, and I need to practice parallel parking."

7. "Well, when Finch told me that he wanted me to drive the car at Rockingham, I kind of expected to be in it for more than two laps..."

6. "My NASCAR license was just revoked mid-race."

5. "I had this sudden urge to put Hut Stricklin in this car."

4. "I'm young! Give me a ride! Bury me!"

3. "Oprah's on..."

2. "That's the last time I buy used Roush Racing motors..."

1. "I haven't made a Cup start in a decade... I forget which way is left..."


Top 10 Reasons NASCAR rejected RedNeckJunk.com As A Sponsor

10. No one's raced an AMC Gremlin in a Cup race for almost two weeks now, so there's no junk to see here, now move along please

9. Toyota took notice and sent a team of technicians to study the car (and website) from the ground up

8. Its a website Bill Gates doesn't own, and NASCAR can't allow this, for they must support evil monopolies everywhere!

7. One week RedNeckJunk.com is allowed as a sponsor, the next week a Bodine shows up and makes the race- coinicidence?

6. It's calling too much attention to the field fillers...and you never know when Delma Cowart will come out of retirement

5. That image is sooooo Jimmy Spencer

4. Can any of the "Young Guns" really be called rednecks?

3. Its not junk, its "pre-owned"

2. LostProfitsDueToImage.com anyone?

1. The truth hurts


Top 10 Problems That Might Happen If NASCAR Raced In New York City

10. Someone other than NASCAR might make money from mugging the fans

9. Ward Burton might be mistaken for a taxi driver

8. The tunnel out of the track leads to New Jersey

7. 43 taxi drivers qualify for the race leaving the stars to sit on the couch watching the race from home

6. Darrell Waltrip might burst out into "New York New York" in the broadcast booth

5. Trying to find 43 consecutive parking spaces to serve as pit road

4. The drivers having to stop on every lap to pay the toll over the George Washington Bridge

3. "I <3 New York" bumper sticker replaces the yellow rookie stripe on the rear bumper

2. The stock market crashes as all the investors flock to the windows to watch the race

1. NASCAR can't sell a single seat because the fans have figured out that they can watch the race for free from the skyscrapers
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